The Psychology of 'Should' and Anger: Aligning Thoughts with Reality

The podcast episode, "Should and anger how your thoughts control your reality," by Dr. Orion Taraban of Psych Hacks, delves into the profound connection between the word "should" and the emotion of anger. Dr. Taraban posits that most angry emotions are rooted in thoughts containing "should," such as "I shouldn't have to deal with this" or "this person should have known better." He labels these thoughts as "anger pathogens," arguing that validating them inevitably leads to anger and emotional suffering. The core argument is that the incorrect usage of "should"—where it implies reality has a moral or ethical obligation to conform to one's desires—is the direct cause of this suffering. A critical distinction is drawn between the incorrect and correct applications of the word "should." The incorrect usage is defined as any thought suggesting reality *must* align with personal hopes and desires, regardless of actual circumstances. This perspective is deemed baseless and a direct path to outrage. Conversely, the correct usage of "should" is presented as a shorthand for "given the confluence of factors that are exerting themselves on a given situation, the most likely outcome is." This redefinition transforms "should" from a moral imperative into a probabilistic prediction based on observable reality, exemplified by the breaking of a dropped glass bottle. The practical recommendation is to shift one's cognitive approach from imposing ideals onto reality to learning from reality itself. Instead of becoming angry when reality deviates from expectations, individuals are encouraged to adopt a scientific attitude: to examine the forces that conspired to create an outcome, no matter how surprising or distasteful. This involves asking, "teach me, help me understand why this happened the way that it did," rather than stubbornly insisting "this shouldn't have happened." This shift fosters a greater alignment with the forces of reality. Adopting this reality-centric perspective has broader implications for personal growth and well-being. By listening to reality and understanding its mechanisms, individuals can build more accurate mental models and beliefs, which in turn helps them navigate the world more effectively, stay safe, and achieve their goals. Willfully ignoring the reasons behind reality's state robs one of opportunities for growth and adaptation. The episode underscores that aligning one's internal models with external reality is not just about managing anger, but about fostering a more adaptive, scientific, and ultimately more fulfilling way of living.

"generally behind most angry emotions is a thought that contains the concept of should"

"thoughts like these are really anger pathogens they're what create anger"

"the incorrect use of the word should is anything that suggests that reality has a moral or ethical obligation to be anything other than what it actually is"

"thinking in this manner is just asking to be outraged"

"where is it written that reality must align with our own hopes and desires"

"a better use of the word should is as a kind of shorthand for given the confluence of factors that are exerting themselves on a given situation the most likely outcome is"

"instead of starting with our ideals and trying to impose them on reality... we start with reality and allow reality to dictate our models of and beliefs about the way things should be"

"this attitude is actually very scientific"

"if i were to continue to stubbornly insist that this shouldn't have happened... then i'm turning a willfully blind eye to the reasons why reality is the way that it is"

"the more i listen to reality the more i can build accurate representations of reality with my words and beliefs which in turn will help me stay safe and get what i want moving forward"