How to Get Less Angry: Accepting Reality on Its Own Terms

The episode "How to get less angry: Accept reality on its own terms" by Dr. Orion Taraban posits that anger is intimately tied to the misuse of the word "should." He argues that most angry emotions stem from thoughts like "I shouldn't have to deal with this" or "this person should know better," which he labels as "anger pathogens." These thoughts incorrectly suggest that reality has a moral or ethical obligation to conform to one's personal hopes, desires, or ideals, leading inevitably to outrage and emotional suffering. Dr. Taraban draws a crucial distinction between the incorrect and correct usage of "should." The incorrect usage imposes an ideal framework onto reality, expecting it to align with personal desires. In contrast, the correct usage of "should" is presented as a scientific shorthand: "given the confluence of factors exerting themselves on this situation, the most likely outcome is..." This perspective starts with observing reality and allows reality to inform one's models and beliefs, rather than attempting to force reality into a preconceived notion. He illustrates this with the example of a dropped glass bottle, explaining that it "should" break due to physical forces, and if it doesn't, then it "shouldn't" have broken, as reality simply is what it is. The practical recommendation is to adopt a scientific attitude towards reality, approaching it with curiosity and a willingness to learn. Instead of stubbornly insisting that things "shouldn't have happened" or people "should behave in a certain way," one should ask reality to "teach me, help me understand the reason why this happened the way that it did." This involves examining the forces that conspired to create an outcome, no matter how surprising or distasteful it may be. This shift in perspective moves away from imposing ideals and towards understanding actual mechanisms. The broader implication of this approach is personal growth and improved functioning. By listening to reality and building accurate representations of it, individuals can achieve greater alignment with the underlying forces that shape events. Stubbornly clinging to an "incorrect should" robs one of the opportunity to grow and adapt, potentially leading to unsafe situations and an inability to achieve desired outcomes. Conversely, embracing reality on its own terms fosters a more adaptive mindset, enabling individuals to stay safe, make better decisions, and ultimately get what they want by working with, rather than against, the actual nature of things.

the key to getting less angry is understanding the intimate relationship between should and anger

Generally behind most angry emotions is a thought that contains the concept of should something like i shouldn't have to deal with this or this person should know better

it's not really possible to think these thoughts and believe them to be true and not feel angry

thoughts like these are really anger pathogens

The incorrect use of the word should is anything that suggests that reality has a moral or ethical obligation to be anything other than how it actually is

thinking in this manner is just asking to be outraged

a better use of the word should is as a kind of shorthand for given the confluence of factors that are exerting themselves on a given situation the most likely outcome is

instead of starting with our ideals and trying to impose them on reality and getting angry when there's a lack of alignment between how things are and how we want them to be we start with reality and allow reality to dictate our models of and beliefs about the way things should be

This attitude is actually very scientific rather than attempting to force reality into a pre-existing framework we can functionally go to reality and say teach me help me understand the reason why this happened the way that it did

the more i listen to reality the more i can build accurate representations of reality with my words and beliefs which in turn will help me stay safe and get what i want moving forward