Transforming Responsibilities: The Power of 'Choose To' Over 'Have To'

The podcast introduces a powerful psychological hack: excising the phrase "I have to" from one's vocabulary and replacing it with "I choose to." Dr. Taraban argues that believing one "has to" do something renders the task onerous, aversive, and unpleasant, much like reading assigned literature under duress. He posits that our enjoyment and engagement with tasks are more influenced by our attitude and perception than by the inherent nature of the task itself. The core premise is that very few things in life are true obligations; rather, most are choices we make to avoid undesirable consequences, and recognizing this distinction is key to changing our experience.

Acentral distinction is made between genuine necessity and the preference to avoid negative outcomes. The speaker clarifies that when we say "I have to," what we often mean is "I would prefer not to experience the consequences of not doing it." This subtle but significant reframe highlights that the option not to do something always exists, even if the repercussions are severe (e.g., going to prison for not paying taxes). The technique involves connecting the duty, responsibility, or assignment to one's own personally relevant goals, thereby shifting the locus of control and internalizing the motivation for the action.

The practical recommendation is a form of "cognitive kung fu" requiring mental discipline. Listeners are encouraged to consciously replace "I have to" with "I choose to" and articulate the underlying personal goal or desired outcome. For example, instead of "I have to read this book because my teacher told me to," it becomes "I choose to read this book because it's a means to get a desired degree, which will further my career." Similarly, paying taxes transforms into choosing to avoid a prison sentence, recognizing that freedom is worth the financial cost and approaching the task with alacrity.

Broader implications of this mindset shift extend to enhanced personal agency, reduced feelings of resentment, and an overall improvement in one's lived experience. By actively choosing one's responsibilities, individuals can cultivate a more positive and proactive approach to life's demands. This psychological strategy empowers individuals to take ownership of their actions and perceptions, fostering greater psychological well-being and making even undesirable tasks feel more manageable and aligned with personal values, ultimately impacting how one "shows up" to daily life.

this phrase have to is one that i've tried my best to excise from my vocabulary

when i believe that i have to do something whatever that something is becomes onerous aversive and unpleasant

my enjoyment had more to do with the attitude with which i was approaching that assignment than it did with the actual books themselves

there are very few things in life that we have to do

usually when we think we have to do something what we really mean is that we would prefer not to experience the consequences of not doing it

whenever i catch myself using this phrase i have to i try to replace it with the phrase i choose to

to do this i have to connect the duty responsibility or assignment to my own personally relevant goals

performing this cognitive kung fu requires a bit of mental discipline

my freedom is worth much more than that amount of money so i'm actually getting the better deal here

try replacing the phrase have to with choose to and see how this impacts how you show up to your own lived experience