Anxiety, Self-Realization, and the Streamer's Path: A Conversation with JakenBake

This podcast episode features Dr. K interviewing Twitch streamer JakenBake about his lifelong struggles with anxiety. Jake recounts his first significant encounter with anxiety at age 19, describing it as a period of constant nervousness, worry, and specific fears like finding bathrooms or exits in public places. He attributes this initial anxiety to a fear of the future and death, which he links to his strict 'super Christian' upbringing and the subsequent questioning of his faith, leading to fears of hell and an obsession with 'end of the world' conspiracy theories found online.

Jake details his self-directed journey to overcome this initial anxiety. He describes a profound mindset shift, where he decided to 'live happily as if you'd die tomorrow,' focusing on productivity, physical well-being (exercise, healthy eating), and taking risks. This transformation led him to move to China and then Japan, drastically altering his life path and bringing him a period he describes as 'bliss.' He reflects on how this challenging period ultimately fostered significant personal growth, teaching him the value of 'downs to know the ups.'

However, Jake reveals that his anxiety returned about a year and a half ago, specifically around New Year's Day 2019, amidst the pressures of his streaming career in Japan. He experiences similar physical and mental symptoms, including mental fuzziness and blurry vision, and acknowledges a fear of underlying physical problems. Dr. K helps him recognize that his current thoughts, like his past internet research, contribute to a self-perpetuating anxiety cycle, even if they don't trigger it initially.

The conversation delves into the internal conflict Jake faces, particularly the discomfort of expressing vulnerable or 'irrational' thoughts, especially knowing his audience is watching. Dr. K normalizes these feelings, emphasizing that anxiety often doesn't 'make sense' and that the mind can generate illogical thoughts. Jake ultimately recognizes that he is 'spanking himself' by falling back into old patterns of self-judgment and fear, highlighting the ongoing challenge of managing anxiety even after periods of remission and growth.

I struggled it with it once when I was like 19 or so and I kind of did some stuff myself and I actually had totally got over it and I was I'm good and then in the past couple years outside maybe your and a half or two years after streaming I definitely it kind of came back and taken hold.

I was worried about things like if I went out to a public event and uh because I always have like stomach aches and like nervous stomach I'm like oh what if I can't find a bathroom or like where's the exit at a at a movie theater like it would be weird like I would go to a movie theater and I'd have to know where the I could start where the bathroom is I guess I'd to go to the bathroom.

I think the root was at that time was I was fearing the future I was fearing things like death like that not specific oh my god I'm framing to die tomorrow like I wasn't like that but it was definitely some weird fear and I think those because I was actually brought up like very religious and for some reason after high school a lot of things hearted changing and you know what I was doing and my really finding my own path I think a lot of fears for like adding up.

in church you're taught like okay if you don't believe in the perfect way to believe and believe in in this scenario Jesus in blah blah like you go to hell mm-hmm sounds like oh damn like if I if I was in the die I'm gonna go to hell like in about that was a little tiny fear at the time.

I might have been getting a feeling of satisfaction by by thinking that I was like obtaining some knowledge that I wish everyone else knew like you guys need to know this like come on like this is happening like yeah that's probably cuz I'd like to talk to my friends about it.

I just created a mindset and I pulled myself like this and I told myself this over and over again at this time was all right well don't worry about all this other [ __ ] and basically creative mindset where if you were to die tomorrow you want to be happy for the life that you live today and everything before.

I've always looked back at that and been like and and it's made me realize a lot of things like when there are you know you have to have downs to know the ups you have to kind of see a little darkness to appreciate the light and like things like that always thought.

now my thoughts and I don't think these thoughts are triggers for the anxiety I think that they are a cycle of adding to what I have but now I'm sure what thinking damn Jake you have these same symptoms like I feel very like fuzzy thoughts like I'm just I feel very like my mental is not as sharp.

I'm afraid that there is something like a little physical problem like with me that I don't know that sure which is actually really bad because that leads back to my you know good time without always fear what's the you know fear.

right now I'm kind of spanking myself because I'm yet realizing that there that this isn't a majority I really don't think this is a dirty of what started the cause of this right now but it definitely has become now a part of what yeah well mines ideas right now.