Metacognitive Strategies for Overcoming Unhelpful Thinking: Shoulds, Coulds, Woulds, and Perfectionism

This podcast episode, hosted by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes, delves into specific unhelpful thinking and reasoning strategies, building on previous discussions about overgeneralization, personalization, and threat scanning. The primary focus is on the detrimental effects of "shoulda coulda woulda" thinking, which involves ruminating on past actions or inactions. Dr. Snipes emphasizes that dwelling on what one "should have," "could have," or "would have" done is unproductive, drains energy, and cannot change the past. Instead, the episode advocates for a shift from guilt and resentment to acceptance of the past and a proactive approach to learning from mistakes to prevent future recurrence.

The discussion extends to the pervasive issue of "shoulds" in general, highlighting how these often represent external expectations or unreasonably high internal standards. Such "shoulds" can lead to significant self-imposed pressure, anger, and guilt when unmet, negatively impacting health, happiness, and relationships. A related unhelpful pattern, "all-or-nothing thinking" or perfectionism (e.g., "if I can't be perfect, I won't even try" or "if it wasn't 100%, I failed"), is also addressed as a barrier to growth and well-being. Dr. Snipes illustrates how this rigid mindset prevents individuals from attempting new things or recognizing partial accomplishments, fostering a sense of perpetual failure.

To counter these patterns, Dr. Snipes offers several practical insights and recommendations. Key strategies include compassionately recognizing human imperfection, exploring the choices and thought processes that led to perceived failures to extract lessons, and challenging all-or-nothing thinking by acknowledging partial successes. She encourages listeners to adopt a perspective they would offer a child, promoting resilience and learning over self-criticism. The episode stresses the importance of being alert for extreme language (e.g., "all," "always," "never") and the word "should" in one's self-talk.

The episode concludes with actionable advice on developing alternate thinking styles and consciously changing one's vocabulary. Listeners are encouraged to replace "should" with "I choose to" or "I would like to," and to substitute extreme words like "every," "always," and "never" with more realistic qualifiers such as "most nights" or "try to." This linguistic shift helps to set more reasonable expectations and fosters a more forgiving and growth-oriented mindset. The overarching message is to embrace imperfection, learn from experiences, and cultivate self-compassion to enhance overall happiness and improve relationships.

"continuing to ruminate on what you should have could have or would have done ain't going to change the past it's done"

"how can I switch from feeling guilt resentment and anger to acceptance of the past and confidence that you've learned how to prevent the problem in the future"

"shoulds can be exhausting because they often represent what other people have told us we should do or what we think other people expect of us"

"when you fail to do something you think you should have done you may get angry at yourself and feel guilty"

"one strategy is to compassionately recognize that you know what nobody's perfect"

"if I can't be perfect I won't even try"

"even people who graduate medical school at the bottom of the class are still called doctor"

"instead of saying I should do this I either need to say I choose to or I choose not to"

"imperfection means I have room to grow and change"

"I'm allowing myself a little wiggle room to be human"