The Power of Shaping: Never Punish People for Doing What You Want

The episode addresses a common, yet counterintuitive, mistake: punishing individuals for attempting behaviors one desires from them, particularly within relationships. Dr. Terban highlights that people often hold an "ideal template" for change, and when partners make an effort that falls short of this ideal, their response can be perceived as punitive, even if delivered as "constructive criticism." This dynamic is frequently observed in clinical practice, where individuals seek to influence their partners' problematic behaviors, but inadvertently shut down future attempts at desired change through negative reinforcement.

The podcast delves into the psychological reasons behind this phenomenon. Individuals attempting new behaviors, especially those they are not intrinsically motivated to perform, experience significant "emotional risk" due to ambivalence and inexperience. Their initial efforts are likely to be awkward, incompetent, or unsatisfying, perhaps only 5% of the desired outcome. The critical error occurs when the influencer focuses solely on the 95% shortfall, invalidating and demotivating the person who took the risk. This negative reinforcement guarantees that further progress, like reaching 10% or 100% of the desired behavior, will never occur.

To counteract this, the episode introduces the concept of "shaping" from behavioral psychology, defined as rewarding successive approximations of the target behavior. Using the analogy of SeaWorld dolphin training, Dr. Terban explains that any movement in the desired direction, no matter how imperfect, must be rewarded. The key distinction is to remove reinforcement for "cold" behavior (moving away from the goal) rather than actively punishing it. This process, though potentially taking months or years, is highly effective and can even work unconsciously, underscoring the importance of intentional application.

The broader implications extend beyond individual relationships, suggesting that intentional shaping can support people in achieving positive outcomes they might not spontaneously pursue, often for their own benefit. While backsliding is expected, it should be met with removal of reward, not punishment. The host emphasizes that punishing effort is psychologically damaging and counterproductive. He advises patience, kindness, and generosity when attempting to influence behavior, noting that in some extreme cases, it might be more practical to end a relationship than to attempt to shape deeply ingrained, critical behaviors. The episode concludes by advocating for encouragement, validation, and praise as essential tools for fostering desired change.

Never punish people for doing what you want.

If you punish someone despite their willingness to assume risk and make an effort then good [ __ ] luck ever trying to get that person to make an effort again.

The first attempt might be 5% of what you ultimately imagine them capable of doing.

If you just focus on how poor and unacceptable and problematic that 5% still is I guarantee you'll never get to 10%.

Whenever someone makes any kind of effort to move in the direction of where you would like them to go then you need to reward that behavior no matter how rough or unacceptable that effort might currently be.

Shaping is a term from behavioral psychology it means to reward successive approximations of the target Behavior.

Notice I didn't say you punish them you shouldn't do that you just shouldn't reward them.

Punishing people for making an effort is one of the shest ways to [ __ ] people up psychologically.

It's also incredibly counterproductive with respect to your chosen goals.