Navigating a Crying Woman: Emotional Responsibility and the 'Dad Sense' Approach

This episode of Psychax addresses the common male impulse to "fix" a crying woman, arguing that this often stems from the man's own discomfort and guilt rather than the woman's actual need for intervention. Dr. Taban emphasizes that women, like all adults, have a right to their emotions—whether happy, peaceful, or sad—and attempting to change these emotions tacitly suggests there's something wrong with feeling them. He introduces the concept of a "thumb screw," an emotion or situation that an individual finds particularly difficult to tolerate, making them vulnerable to emotional manipulation. For many men, seeing a woman they care about cry acts as this thumb screw, leading them to offer excessive benefits or make commitments they don't intend to keep, solely to stop the tears.

The core argument is that offering benefits or eliminating discomfort when a woman cries will, through reinforcement contingencies (conscious or unconscious), make it more likely she will cry more in the future. The appropriate response in the vast majority of cases, according to Dr. Taban, is "nothing." He stresses that emotions are individual responsibilities, and adults are expected to self-regulate. Intervening unnecessarily prevents a woman from learning or practicing her own emotional self-regulation. He reassures listeners that while sadness can motivate actions, the feeling itself is not fatal, citing a 100% survival rate among those he has seen cry.

The podcast uses the analogy of "weather on a mountain" to describe transient emotional states, suggesting that intense emotions often pass quickly if one simply waits them out. While generally advocating for non-action, Dr. Taban introduces the concept of "dad sense" for rare instances when intervention might be appropriate. This involves quickly assessing if there's a genuine problem (like a serious injury for a child) or if the problem is rooted in the man's own behavior or responsibility. He notes that the deepest hurts often manifest without tears, implying that a woman crying in one's presence might not indicate a life-altering crisis.

Ultimately, the episode encourages men to cultivate emotional autonomy, both for themselves and in their partners. It advises against changing oneself merely to suit another's preferences and suggests that a woman's desire for more time, even expressed through tears, can be a sign of affection rather than a problem to be fixed. The episode concludes by prompting men to examine their own discomfort with a crying woman, suggesting this self-inquiry can lead to important personal insights and healthier relationship dynamics.

She has a right to her emotions, doesn't she?

Trying to change that emotion when it's present is tacitly arguing that there is something wrong about feeling sad.

Most people have what I call a thumb screw. A thumb screw is an emotion that for whatever reason they find particularly difficult to tolerate and which therefore is where they are most vulnerable to emotional manipulation.

offering some kind of benefit... when a woman cries will absolutely make it more likely that she will cry more in the future.

Your emotions are your responsibility, and her emotions are her responsibility.

Your action should be predicated on your own moral values and responsibilities, not her emotions.

no one has ever died from their sadness. People have of course died from the action their sadness motivated them to take but no one has died from experiencing the feeling itself.

Don't mistake the weather for the climate.

The biggest pains and the most urgent crises are not associated with tears.

There are no tears for the deepest hurts.

Neither person has the responsibility to change simply to suit the other person's preferences.

examining why you find a crying woman so distressing and intolerable might be an interesting line of inquiry for you to go down.