How to Get Over an Ex: The Two Best Strategies (Exposure and Extinction)

The podcast, hosted by Dr. Orion Taban, outlines two primary psychological strategies for effectively overcoming heartbreak after a breakup: exposure and extinction. Both methods are designed to help individuals achieve emotional neutrality towards a former partner, with the host emphasizing the importance of moving through this painful period as quickly as possible to avoid prolonged suffering and wasted time.\n\nExposure therapy, the first strategy, involves repeatedly confronting the stimulus (e.g., images of the ex with a new partner) until its emotional salience diminishes and it becomes neutral. This technique is likened to "flooding," a method used in behavioral therapy for phobias, where intense, prolonged exposure to a feared object (like sitting in a bathtub full of pickles) rapidly exhausts the emotional response. While highly effective, exposure is described as extremely uncomfortable and intense, often requiring significant patient support.\n\nConversely, extinction, the preferred strategy in most cases, focuses on completely eliminating all forms of engagement with the ex. This includes not only physical "no contact" (no calls, texts, or seeking them out) but, more critically, cognitive extinction. Cognitive extinction means ceasing to stalk them on social media, review old photos, replay memories, or fantasize about them. The host warns that any relapse into exposure during an extinction protocol can establish an intermittent reinforcement schedule, leading to a process addiction and significantly extending recovery time.\n\nTo ensure the success of extinction, it must be combined with "block and replace," a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) intervention. This involves actively resisting thoughts of the ex and immediately replacing them with a pre-prepared, written list of the ex's flaws, faults, and shortcomings, complete with specific examples. This practice helps to counteract the common tendency to romanticize or idealize the past relationship, balancing the individual's perception with reality. The ultimate goal of both strategies is to reach a point where one can observe the ex moving on without an emotional reaction, or even feel genuine happiness for them, recognizing that the ex not wanting to stay signifies they were not "perfect for you," and the breakup is likely a "blessing in disguise."

I don't have many regrets, but in retrospect, one of the biggest of my life is spending too much time that I will never get back in a state of heartbreak and hopeless yearning.

Exposure works by presenting the stimulus so many times that it loses its emotional salience and becomes neutral.

Behavioral therapists use this technique in overcoming phobias. Got an irrational fear of pickles? The therapy is actually to like sit in a whole bathtub full of them.

You'll know it worked with respect to getting over an ex when you can look at a picture of her with her new boyfriend and feel nothing. Not because you're holding it together, but because it literally does not evoke an emotional response anymore.

The most important contact that must be eliminated in an extinction protocol is contact with the cognitive version of that person.

Do no contact for a while, but then relapse into exposure and you'll not only set yourself back, but you'll begin to establish an intermittent reinforcement schedule, which is basically a process addiction.

When you try not to think about somebody, your mind will very helpfully present that someone to you. So extinction must be accompanied by another strategy in order to be successful, namely block and replace.

Focusing on these negative experiences and unflattering characteristics is really a way to balance the scales. And you won't have to do it forever because eventually you'll overcome the splitting by integrating the ideal with the shadow.

because she didn't want to stay with you, my dude. And that means no matter how perfect you objectively believe she was, she wasn't perfect for you, friendo. And that's really all that matters.

love is actually the best, if not the only way to truly let go of someone. This is because all other emotions bind you to the lost object.