Healing from Betrayal: Overcoming Rumination and Davo Tactics with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

This episode delves into the profound pain of betrayal, explaining how its depth is directly proportional to the level of trust and dependency placed in the betrayer. Dr. Tracey Marks addresses a viewer's question about "betrayal rumination," a term coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd, which describes the distressing act of replaying negative events related to betrayal without any problem-solving benefit. This rumination often involves thoughts about harm from a person or institution and is typically accompanied by emotions such as shame, anger, or sadness, shattering one's sense of safety and trust.

The podcast then introduces and thoroughly explains the "Davo" manipulation tactic, also identified through Dr. Freyd's research. Davo stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, a strategy used by abusers to deflect responsibility and maintain control. The 'Deny' phase involves minimizing or outright denying wrongdoing; 'Attack' targets the victim's character or credibility; and 'Reverse Victim and Offender' sees the abuser twisting the narrative to portray themselves as the wronged party. This tactic significantly exacerbates the victim's struggle with self-doubt, making it harder to process the betrayal and move forward.

The impact of Davo is shown to erode self-esteem and confidence, intensify rumination, and foster self-blame and confusion, leading victims to distrust their own judgment. The episode contrasts Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which focuses on challenging negative thought patterns (and was found unhelpful by the viewer), with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT offers a distinct approach by teaching individuals to accept their thoughts and emotions, creating space for them without allowing them to dictate behavior, and recognizing that thoughts are merely thoughts, not absolute facts.

Dr. Marks outlines four specific ACT techniques for addressing betrayal rumination: "Notice and Name" to create distance from thoughts; "Diffusion" to trivialize thoughts (e.g., repeating them in a silly voice); "Acceptance" through mindfulness to allow difficult emotions without judgment; and "Connecting with Values" to anchor actions in what truly matters, enabling forward movement despite emotional pain. The episode concludes by emphasizing that healing is a non-linear process requiring patience, self-compassion, and support from loved ones or a therapist, encouraging consistent practice of these ACT techniques.

"the pain that it causes goes very deep and is directly proportional to the level of trust that you had in the person or entity that betrayed you."

"Rumination is the act of replaying negative events or experiences over and over in your mind, and the thoughts have no problem solving benefit to them."

"Doctor Frates research highlights how betrayals can shatter our sense of safety and trust, leaving us vulnerable to a phenomenon that she calls Davo."

"Davo stands for deny attack and reverse victim and offender. It's a manipulation tactic often used by those who have abused or betrayed us and to deflect responsibility from their actions and maintain control."

"Being betrayed can make you struggle with self doubt. Then the Davo tactics ramp up those feelings, making it even harder to process the betrayal and move forward."

"With Act, you're not suppressing or denying your thoughts or emotions. Instead, you learn to accept them and create space for them without letting them control you."

"It's about recognizing that thoughts are just thoughts, not facts, and that we don't have to believe everything our minds tell us."

"Simply noticing and naming your thoughts creates distance between you and the emotion or thoughts and reduces their power."

"Instead of fighting or suppressing difficult emotions, allow yourself to feel them. Breathe into them."

"Identifying what truly matters to you helps put things in perspective and allows you to move forward."