The Covert Calculus of Relationships: Why the Economic Model of Mating Provokes Strong Negative Reactions

The episode addresses the intense negative feedback received by the host, Dr. Orion Tarban, regarding his views on intersexual dynamics and the "game of mating and dating." He posits that this criticism is rarely substantive, instead consisting of ad hominem attacks, which he interprets as a confession of having lost the argument. The core of his explanation lies in the concept of a "covert calculus" of value that underpins all relationship decisions, operating largely beneath conscious awareness. This calculus involves countless micro-evaluations of a potential partner's perceived value, costs, and benefits, which are then transmuted into emotions like excitement or disinterest, rather than explicit cost-benefit analyses. Dr. Tarban distinguishes between the conscious, socially acceptable reasons people give for their relationship choices and the underlying, often "cold, calculating, and inhuman" reality of their subconscious evaluations. He highlights that people invariably pursue their "perceived best options," and this pursuit is driven by a complex assessment of value, even if the specific criteria (e.g., physical attractiveness, fear of loneliness) are socially unacceptable or politically incorrect. He emphasizes that while people are aware of the emotions guiding their choices, they are generally unaware of the deeper calculus that aroused those emotions. The podcast implicitly suggests that greater self-awareness and integration of one's "socially unacceptable parts" (like superficiality or selfishness) are crucial. When individuals deny or disavow these aspects of their personality, the "negativity" doesn't disappear but is instead projected onto others, leading to dehumanization and aggressive attacks. Understanding this projection mechanism is key to comprehending why certain truths about human behavior, particularly in mating, evoke such strong, irrational responses. The host encourages listeners to examine their own motivations and the underlying calculus in their relationships. The "economic model of relationships" is presented as a powerful predictive tool, capable of explaining behaviors like divorce, ghosting, and infidelity. A significant implication is that those who benefit most from the "mystified" nature of relationship transactions are precisely those most likely to resist its demystification. Specifically, the host argues that older women, who, according to his model, represent a "depreciating reproductive opportunity" while still expecting significant male investment, stand to lose the most if this economic perspective becomes widely known. This prediction, he claims, aligns with observed online behavior, suggesting a broader societal resistance to uncomfortable truths about human mating strategies.

"to me there is no more obvious confession that someone has lost an argument than resorting to ad homonyms"

"most people aren't very self-aware and a lot of what I talk about actually takes place beneath the threshold of awareness"

"relationships are the medium through which value is transacted and that people tend to enter into relationships where they most stand to gain or stand least to lose"

"this covert calculus consists of an uncountable number of micro evaluations that accumulate into a judgment of attractiveness"

"what happens is that this value calculation gets transmuted into an emotion which motivates people to either approach and invest or withdraw and avoid"

"people enter into relationships with their perceived best options like it wouldn't make sense to argue that people would forgo a better opportunity for a worse one"

"many of the things that people value are not socially acceptable or politically correct"

"this disavowed negativity gets projected onto other people who are abstracted and dehumanized to facilitate the projection"

"the most aggressive opposition to the economic model of relationships will come from older women precisely because older women stand to lose the most if this idea were more widely known"