Why Marriage Kills Sex: Cultivating Uncertainty and Novelty in Long-Term Relationships

This podcast episode, "Why Marriage Kills Sex," by Dr. Orion Taraban, explores the common phenomenon of declining sexual frequency and intensity in long-term committed relationships, including marriage and cohabitation. The core argument posits that the organic tendency for sex to diminish over time is primarily due to the establishment of security and the subsequent redundancy of sex's primary function as an emotional bonding agent. In the early stages of a relationship, sex, facilitated by hormones like oxytocin, serves to solidify an uncertain bond, driven by the anxiety of potential loss. However, once commitment is secured and a shared life established, this necessity for bonding through sex dissipates, leading to a natural decline in desire. Dr. Taraban emphasizes that "marriage" in this context refers broadly to any long-term, cohabitating relationship where a sense of security has been established, rather than strictly the legal institution. A key distinction is made between the initial, uncertainty-driven desire for bonding and the later, security-laden lack of necessity. The podcast highlights the paradox that while humans generally seek security and stability in relationships, these very qualities can paradoxically extinguish sexual desire, as "no one gets aroused by security and stability." The nuance lies in understanding that the *function* of sex changes, and when its bonding function becomes obsolete, desire wanes unless new dynamics are introduced. The practical advice offered is counter-intuitive and provocative: to "act as if you were having an affair." This does not advocate for actual infidelity but rather for adopting the *behaviors* associated with an affair to reintroduce elements of uncertainty, mystery, and novelty into the primary relationship. Recommendations include being more withdrawn, secretive, deviating from routines, being less communicative, and pulling back on pursuing sex. The goal is to create "space" and allow the partner to "wonder about you," "feel your absence," and "miss your presence," thereby re-igniting curiosity and interest. This approach aims to disrupt expectations and cultivate an "island of novelty" within a familiar relationship. The broader implications touch upon the inherent human paradox of desiring both security and excitement. The episode suggests that relationships can become "joyless obligations" or "boring routines" if play and novelty are absent. By intentionally reintroducing a degree of "uncertainty and insecurity," couples can keep desire "evergreen," recognizing that humans are "weird" and often motivated by what is elusive or unknown. The underlying message is that maintaining passion requires a conscious effort to challenge the comfort of complete predictability and embrace a more dynamic, less fully "known" aspect of oneself within the relationship, thereby fostering ongoing interest and connection.

"by marriage I don't necessarily mean the legal institution of marriage because this will happen in long-term committed relationships especially cohabitating relationships"

"the organic tendency in relationships is for the frequency and intensity of sex to decline as a function of time"

"one of the most important things that it does is facilitate emotional bonding"

"there is no necessity to create Security in completely secure relationships it's just not needed"

"no one gets aroused by security and stability to keep desire alive in committed relationships we need to have a greater Collective tolerance for uncertainty and insecurity"

"I am going to suggest that they act as if they were having one that's my suggestion act as if you were having an affair"

"everything that goes with cheating the space the mystery the novelty the freedom the risk the elusiveness is really good at maintaining sexual interest"

"you can't connect with someone if you never disengage"

"by being spontaneous unpredictable and dare I say it selfish you cultivate an island of novelty in the midst of a well-known Sea"

"in frustrating my curiosity I become interested that interest motivates me to close the distance that you intentionally created"

"if your relationship feels like a joyless obligation or a boring routine or a neutered friendship you might consider injecting some play into your situation"