The Superficiality of Desire: Embracing and Leveraging Human Shallowness in Attraction

The episode, "The Superficiality of Desire," posits that humans are inherently and tragically superficial in their romantic attractions, a reality that applies to both men and women, albeit in distinct ways. Dr. Taraban argues that the traits people seek in partners, such as height or physical appearance, bear little to no correlation with actual relationship success or personal happiness. He contends that fighting against these deeply ingrained desires is a futile endeavor, as people are driven by what they want, regardless of its rationality or social acceptability. The core premise is that this superficiality is a fundamental aspect of human mate selection, rooted in evolutionary and economic principles.

The podcast delineates the gender-specific manifestations of this superficiality. Men are primarily drawn to women's physical appearance, often rendering women invisible if they don't meet certain minimum aesthetic standards, a situation for which the host expresses some sympathy given the limited control over genetics. Conversely, women exhibit superficiality not only towards men's physical appearance, with height being a prime example, but also significantly towards their lifestyle and circumstances. The host illustrates this with a personal anecdote, highlighting the "Chris Rock" observation that "women cannot go backwards in lifestyle," often leading them to reject men based on their current, potentially temporary, living situations or financial standing.

A critical distinction is drawn regarding the "intelligence" of these superficial preferences. While men's focus on physical appearance might seem shallow, it's argued to be "not quite as stupid" because a woman's appearance is largely static. In contrast, women's rejection of men based on lifestyle is deemed "stupid" because a man's circumstances are often dynamic and can improve significantly over time, especially for ambitious individuals. The host suggests that women's impatience might be linked to their reproductive window, but also attributes their heightened superficiality to having more dating options, an economic principle that allows for greater selectivity.

Given this immutable reality, the podcast offers a counter-intuitive recommendation: instead of resisting the superficiality of desire, individuals should accept it and strategically "play the game of superficiality more successfully." To those who argue that such concerns are "petty and insignificant," the host retorts that if they are so trivial, there's little reason not to address them, especially when the cost of doing so is dwarfed by the potential benefits in attracting a mate. The practical advice is to actively invest in one's physical appearance (for women) and lifestyle (for men), suggesting that expenditures on personal trainers or stylish outfits can be highly effective and relatively inexpensive ways to improve one's "packaging" and thus increase attractiveness, enabling potential partners to stick around long enough to discover deeper qualities.

humans seem to be more or less hopelessly tragically superficial with respect to what they are attracted to

the things that men and women are attracted to... have little to no relation whatsoever to the things that we know tend to make people happy or the things we know tend to make for successful relationships

People want what they want even if it's unreasonable even if it's socially unacceptable even if it's downright toxic fighting against this is a losing battle

if a woman doesn't meet certain minimum standards of attractiveness in a man's eyes she's going to be functionally invisible to that man as a potential mate

women cannot go backwards in lifestyle

eliminating a man especially a young man from consideration due to his circumstances is not only superficial it's stupid

the superficiality of Desire is here to stay and within this understanding my counter-intuitive recommendation is to accept this reality and learn to play the game of superficiality more successfully

I'm not sure if people can see your mind or your soul but I'm absolutely sure that if they don't like your packaging they're not going to stick around long enough to see it