Sexless Marriage as a Breach of Contract: An Unconventional Take on Monogamy and Infidelity

This episode addresses the pervasive and often devastating problem of sexless marriage, particularly from the perspective of men who experience unilateral sexual rejection from their wives. Dr. Orion Tarban highlights the profound emotional toll—hurt, infuriation, demoralization, and hopelessness—when sexual intimacy ceases in the one legally and morally sanctioned context for many men. While acknowledging that partners can sometimes be complicit in their predicament and that restoring sex is possible with effort, the core of the discussion pivots to an unconventional and provocative redefinition of cheating, setting the stage for a deeper analysis of relationship agreements.

Dr. Tarban posits that categorically refusing sex in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, by unilateral decision, constitutes a form of cheating. He argues that cheating, in any game, involves intentionally violating the rules of play. In a monogamous relationship, the rule is 'one partner.' Therefore, having 'zero partners' (sexlessness) is as much a violation of the 'one partner' rule as having 'two partners' (extramarital affairs). This perspective reframes infidelity not just as taking more than agreed upon, but also as receiving less, thereby breaching the fundamental agreement of a monogamous relationship and effectively placing the rejected partner in a celibate relationship they did not consent to.

Crucially, the podcast distinguishes this breach from an automatic dissolution of the entire marriage. Drawing a parallel to contract law, specifically the 'severability clause,' Dr. Tarban argues that while the 'monogamy clause' may be violated, other dimensions of the relationship—such as children, resources, service, lifestyle, history, and emotions—can and often should remain intact. He critiques cultural norms that often demand immediate and permanent dissolution for traditional infidelity, suggesting an unrealistic expectation of lifelong perfection and disproportionate punishment for deviations, while sexlessness often lacks a similar perceived consequence.

Practically, the episode advises patience and grace in addressing declining sexual interest, but also emphasizes the necessity of accountability. If, after genuine effort, communication, and exploration of arrangements, a partner remains unilaterally uninterested in sex, the 'monogamy clause' is considered severed. This means the rejected partner is no longer bound by the monogamous expectation in that specific regard, while other aspects of the relationship agreement persist. This unconventional take aims to provide a natural consequence for sexlessness, potentially reducing its prevalence, and encourages a more nuanced, less all-or-nothing approach to navigating complex long-term relationship challenges.

categorically refusing to have sex in an exclusive monogamous relationship by unilateral decision is a form of cheating

a partner who for whatever reason decides for both parties that sex isn't going to happen anymore has stepped out of a monogamous relationship

cheating happens whenever someone in the relationship intentionally decides to have not one partner not just more than one partner zero is as much not one as two is

having sex with two people is just as much cheating as is having sex with zero people because in both cases you're not having sex with one person both are a breach of the agreement

if a man's wife no longer sleeps with her husband I would like us to consider that that man whether he likes it or not is no longer in a monogamous relationship

a marriage isn't just about exclusive sexuality it's also about children and resources and service and lifestyle and history and emotions among many other things

in the event a party violates a part of the agreement the rest of the agreement still stands the clause in question is severable or separable from the rest of the contract

a sexless spouse is no longer in a monogamous relationship and so shouldn't be held accountable for acting non-monogamously given that the other partner has already unilaterally decided this for the other party

treating sexlessness as a form of cheating might also help to reduce its prevalence by providing a kind of natural consequence to that condition