The Misunderstood Meaning of Respect: How Gender Differences in Comprehension Impact Dating and Attraction

This podcast episode by Dr. Orion Taraban explores the common complaint from women about men's perceived lack of initiative, leadership, and sexual assertiveness in dating. The core argument posits that this phenomenon stems largely from a fundamental difference in how men and women understand the concept of 'respect.' While society drills into boys the importance of respecting women, the masculine interpretation of respect often leads to unintended consequences that hinder attraction and relationship progression. The speaker identifies three key ways men understand respect that create these issues. First, for men, respect often means admiration of excellence, leading them to put women on a 'pedestal.' This places the woman in the position of the 'adored' and the man as the 'adorer,' which paradoxically robs the woman of the opportunity to have the more desired emotional experience in the relationship. Second, masculine respect implies deference, meaning men will humbly submit to a woman's judgment or expertise, leading to a lack of planning, decision-making, and overall leadership in the relationship, as they defer to her preferences. The third and most significant issue is the perceived mutual exclusivity of respect and sexuality in the masculine mind. Men often believe they must suppress their sexuality to be respectful, as sexual expression is deemed inappropriate in situations demanding respect. This means that a man showing respect will not simultaneously be showing sexual intent, creating a disconnect that leaves women feeling confused and disappointed, especially with men they are attracted to, as assertive masculine sexuality is at odds with their understanding of respect. To mitigate these problems, the episode suggests that teaching boys 'not to disrespect women' might be more effective than simply 'respect women.' Furthermore, 'consideration' is proposed as a better term for what women truly desire – having their feelings and preferences taken into account, while still expecting the man to initiate, lead, and be assertive. This reframing allows men to act with initiative while still valuing their partner's input, fostering more satisfying dating dynamics.

Respect means something different to a man than to a woman and this is something that we haven't really appreciated as a culture because it may create unintended consequences such as the ones that we're discussing.

When you tell men to respect women this is something we drill into boys from a very young age you have to respect women you have to respect women but respect might mean different things to men than it does to women.

It's always best if people earn your respect and your disrespect.

Men tend to associate respect with admiration of Excellence so when a man respects a woman he puts her on a pedestal.

This is because it puts the woman in the position of the adored and the Man in the position of the adorer and this robs the woman of the opportunity to have the more emotional experience in the relationship.

To the masculine mind respect means deference when you respect someone you tend to defer to their judgment or expertise.

It's very very difficult for respect and sexuality to coexist at the same time.

You can't really respect someone and want to [ __ ] them at the same time.

A man showing respect will not also be showing sexual intent the two are mutually exclusive in a man's mind.

I think that a better word to use here might be consideration women want their feelings and their preferences to be taken into account but they typically still want the man to initiate contact set up the date make the plans initiate sex be assertive and generally lead them in the direction of a desired relationship.