Relationships and the Inescapable Game: Deconstructing Authenticity as Strategy

This podcast episode, a continuation of the "Life in the Concept of the Game" series, posits that all human relationships are inherently "games." The host, Dr. Orion Taraban, defines a game as anything with a goal and a set of rules. In relationships, individuals always seek something from another person—be it sex, money, friendship, connection, or a loving commitment—and there are implicit or explicit rules governing how to achieve these desired outcomes. For instance, one cannot foster a loving family while acting as an abusive alcoholic, demonstrating that certain behaviors preclude specific relational goals.

The episode directly addresses the common negative feedback regarding "game playing" in relationships, where many express fatigue with perceived immaturity and a desire for simple honesty and directness. Dr. Taraban argues that this perspective misunderstands the fundamental nature of relationships. He asserts that relationships are inescapably games because they are defined by goals and rules. Crucially, he explains that even forthrightness, sincerity, directness, and authenticity are not an absence of game playing, but rather specific strategies employed within the game of relationships to achieve desired ends. He uses the analogy of car dealerships that advertise "no negotiation" as a conscious strategy to attract customers, highlighting that such approaches are chosen for their effectiveness.

The core distinction made is between conscious and unconscious strategies. While car dealers might consciously choose a "no negotiation" strategy, most people do not perceive their sincerity or authenticity as a conscious choice aimed at achieving a goal. However, Dr. Taraban contends that whether conscious or not, behaviors are adopted because they have been reinforced in the past and are believed to be effective in the present. This reinforcement often occurs below the threshold of awareness, meaning that choices, though not always conscious, are still choices and function as strategies within the relational game. Therefore, being honest and direct is simply one strategy, believed to be the best bet for obtaining what one wants, just as other, less direct strategies exist.

The podcast concludes with a non-judgmental stance, emphasizing understanding *why* people do what they do rather than moralizing about good or bad behaviors. The ultimate takeaway is that all actions in relationships are part of a strategic pursuit of goals. A final piece of practical advice is offered: to be wary of individuals who too loudly insist they "don't play games," alluding to the idea that such vehement denial often masks the very behavior being disavowed. The episode encourages listeners to explore other strategies discussed in previous episodes on the fundamental game of human relationships.

if anything with a goal and a set of rules is a game then relationships are a game

when you enter into a relationship with another human being you want something that is your goal

whether you like it or not there is a set of rules associated with how to attain that desired thing

relationships are inescapably games because they are goals plus rules they can't not be games

this approach to relationships of being forthright and sincere and direct and authentic is a strategy in the game of relationships

most people don't experience their sincerity their authenticity their honesty as a strategy because they don't think of these things as something they've consciously chosen to do in order to achieve a goal

being honest and direct in relationships doesn't mean you're not playing games it means that you believe that being honest and direct is your best bet of getting what you want

be cautious with anyone who insists a little too loudly that they don't play games the lady often doth protest too much