The Tricky Second Step to Genuine Self-Esteem: Internal Validation Over External Praise

This episode delves into the crucial distinction between self-confidence and self-esteem, highlighting that while related, they are separate psychological constructs. Self-confidence is defined as the belief in one's efficacy to succeed in a task, whereas self-esteem is the fundamental feeling of worth and goodness about oneself as a person. The host, Dr. Orion Taraban, notes that many successful and self-confident individuals still struggle with low self-esteem, indicating a need for a deeper approach to personal validation.

The podcast introduces a two-part formula for cultivating genuine self-esteem. The first part, which is widely understood, involves engaging in difficult or "esteemable" actions – setting goals, pursuing challenges, and doing things one can be proud of. However, the critical and often neglected second part is to perform these difficult and esteemable actions *without telling anyone about them*. This counter-intuitive step is presented as essential for fostering true self-esteem in an age dominated by social media and the pursuit of external validation.

The core argument for the second step is that sharing achievements with others substitutes self-validation for external praise, views, and likes. This exchange robs individuals of the opportunity for internal satisfaction, which is the true basis of self-esteem. By consistently seeking external affirmation, the mind is trained to associate the reward for difficult actions with the approval of others, leading to an increasing reliance on external sources for self-regulation. This dependency can escalate to a "process addiction," akin to gambling, where individuals become "validation junkies," constantly needing external input to prop up their self-worth.

The ultimate goal of this two-step process is to achieve "emotional manumission" – a state of emancipation from the "slavery of external validation." By practicing self-validation through supportive self-talk (e.g., "I'm proud of what I did today," "I kept going"), individuals can cultivate healthy self-esteem and gradually become indifferent to both praise and censure from others. This psychological independence allows one to break free from being a "slave with a million Masters," fostering a profound sense of inner freedom and self-worth.

"self-confidence is related to efficacy it's the belief that all other things being equal you can do something that you will be successful in the attempt"

"self-esteem is more like all other things being equal I feel good about who I am as a person as a human being"

"improving your self-esteem isn't that complicated the formula has two parts"

"first you need to do difficult or steamable things"

"you need to also do the second part and this is the part that's really neglected in today's day and age in order to develop self-esteem not only do you have to do difficult and esteemable things but you have to do difficult and esteemable things and not tell anyone about them"

"if you do something difficult or esteemable and then you share it with others then you substitute self-validation for external validation"

"you exchange your own internal satisfaction for praise views and likes and when you do that you're basically training your mind to understand that the reward for difficult or stingable action is the praise or validation of others"

"taken to it is Extreme people are subject to becoming like validation junkies and this can be as addictive as any substance Addiction in fact we would call it a process addiction like gambling"

"you kind of have to talk to yourself in a supportive and encouraging way like I'm proud of what I did today or I was scared but I did it anyway or I wanted to quit but I kept going good job Orion"

"by learning to validate ourselves sufficiently we can experience a kind of emotional manumission whereby we can emancipate ourselves from the slavery of external validation"

"if you're still emotionally influenced by whether people agree or disagree with you or like or don't like you or praise or censure you then you're still more or less a Slave and not just a slave but a slave with a million Masters"