Rekindling Sexual Desire: A Man's Guide to Bringing Sex Back into a Relationship

This episode of "Psychacks" by Dr. Orion Taban addresses the prevalent issue of sexless marriages, offering specific advice for men seeking to rekindle sexual intimacy. The core argument posits a fundamental difference between male and female sexuality: for women, sex is the "fruit" of a cultivated process involving connection, care, and foreplay, while for men, it is the "seed" that initiates desire and action. The podcast highlights that men often inadvertently train their partners to associate their touch with an immediate "bid for sex," leading to rejection and withdrawal, thereby creating a cycle of frustration. A crucial distinction is drawn between sex as an end-product for women versus a starting point for men, emphasizing that women give sex to men they like, while men feel liked when they receive sex. The concept of "foreplay" is expanded beyond immediate physical stimulation to encompass a broader, day-long cultivation of emotional and physical tension. The host differentiates between a "touch as a question" (implying a demand for sex) and a "touch as just a touch," stressing the need to decouple these associations. This nuanced understanding is presented as essential for men to navigate female desire effectively. The practical strategy involves applying principles akin to classical conditioning to "disassociate" a man's touch and attention from an implicit request for intercourse. Men are advised to temporarily cease all bids for sex, both explicit and implicit, and instead focus on creating moments of non-sexual physical or emotional tension throughout the day. Examples include brief, tight hugs, playful touches, or intense eye contact, followed by disengagement. The goal is to build a "low-grade arousal" in the woman, making her more receptive to sex when a genuine bid is eventually made, as the accumulated tension will then seek release. The episode underscores the man's responsibility in a committed relationship to proactively maintain sexual passion, drawing parallels to the courtship phase where men typically lead. It acknowledges the inherent difficulty of this task, particularly given that sexual frequency often bothers men more than women. The broader implication is that sustaining desire in long-term partnerships requires a conscious, disciplined effort to understand and adapt to gender-specific sexual dynamics, moving beyond simplistic expectations to a more sophisticated approach to intimacy and connection.

It's extremely difficult to keep sex alive in a marriage because among other things marriage in its striving for safety in security intentionally removes many of the elements of passion that naturally Kindle desire.

to a woman sex is like the fruit of a tree you have to plant the seed and then it grows into a sapling and then it leaves and then it flowers and then it fruits sex with a woman is generally the product of a lot of effort and cultivation.

on the other hand to a man sex is the seed it initiates everything else it's the motive force that compels them to erupt out of themselves and move out into the world.

women tend to give sex to men that they like whereas men only really feel liked when they get sex.

foreplay is more than just fumbling around immediately before intercourse in fact if you do it right a lot of foreplay occurs outside the bedroom and hours before the sexual encounter.

you have to appreciate the core principle at the heart of most seduction techniques namely tension and release first you build the tension and then you offer an opportunity to release the tension.

your woman probably isn't withdrawing from your touch as much as she's saying no to this implied question and she's saying no to the implied question because she's not in the mood at that exact moment.

you have trained your woman to associate your touch with this question This Association is your enemy it's working against you and it will continue to work against you as long as it is active.

you have to disassociate your touch your attention your tension from this question and just like in classical conditioning you do this by presenting the conditioned stimulus without the unconditioned stimulus with sufficient repetition.

what you event want is for your woman to be in a kind of low grade arousal at all times.