The Liability of Disagreeableness for Women: Relationship Roles, Leadership, and the Duty to Follow

This episode delves into the personality trait of disagreeableness, particularly as it manifests in women. Dr. Orion Taban explains that while agreeableness is one of the Big Five personality traits and women are generally more agreeable, a growing number of disagreeable women exist who often perceive this trait as a positive asset. They believe they offer valuable "tough love" and "constructive criticism," viewing more agreeable individuals with thinly veiled contempt. The host acknowledges a kernel of truth in the idea that relationships shouldn't be echo chambers, but ultimately argues that disagreeableness is a significant liability for women, especially within the context of relationship roles.

The core argument hinges on an extended metaphor from his book, "The Value of Others," which describes relationships in terms of "captains and passengers" or "leaders and followers." For captains (leaders), disagreeableness is presented as not just an asset, but a necessity. Captains, like CEOs, must make difficult decisions that often run counter to the short-term interests and preferences of their passengers (employees/followers) to ensure the long-term viability and direction of the "ship." This requires a willingness to frustrate and obstruct, making disagreeableness a crucial trait for effective leadership.

Conversely, disagreeableness in a passenger is deemed "presumptuous and arrogant," implying a belief in superior knowledge or competence despite less experience and a restricted vantage point. Such behavior is characterized as disrespectful and insubordinate. The host asserts that if a disagreeable passenger genuinely believes they can do better, they have a "duty to do it for yourself" – to build their own "boat" and become a captain. However, he emphasizes that most people are, by definition, followers, and those who cannot lead have a "duty to follow."

For women who desire a passenger role in relationships (which the host suggests is most women, as they typically don't dream of protecting and providing for a grown man), disagreeableness is presented as a direct impediment. It will keep them single or corrode existing relationships. The episode concludes by advising such women to either improve their capacity to follow, clarify their feedback without judgmentalism, or accept the responsibility of leadership if they insist on steering. It challenges the "cope" that men are too insecure for strong women, suggesting instead that men are reluctant to engage with a passenger who attempts to run the ship, as desirable men are likely already captains of their own.

Agreeableness is one of the big five personality traits. It's pretty enduring in the sense that once it's established, it's very hard to change.

Within their own subjectivities, disagreeable women believe that they provide others with a valuable service.

Her disagreeableness provides others with the feedback they need to level up. It's tough love and real talk, and anyone who can't take it is probably just too fragile or insecure to hear the truth.

disagreeableness on the whole is a liability for women... It's a liability because of their relationship role.

for captains, for leaders, disagreeableness is not only an asset, it's a necessity.

Disagreeableness in a passenger is presumptuous and arrogant... It is disrespectful and insubordinate.

if you're a disagreeable passenger and you honestly believe that you could do it better than the captain, then you can't follow that person and you then have a duty to do it for yourself.

Anyone who can't lead has a duty to follow.

if they are passengers in their relationships... then these women need to understand that their disagreeableness is a liability. Period.

Ladies, if you want to be a passenger, then your job is to sit in your chair and enjoy your flight. You are not welcome in the cockpit.