Unpacking Childhood Trauma and Self-Worth: The Roots of Workaholism and Social Anxiety with CodeMiko

This episode features a deep dive into the psychological struggles of CodeMiko (Yuna), who presents with severe workaholism, social anxiety, guilt about friendships, and insomnia. Dr. K begins by establishing a safe space for Yuna to discuss her issues, which she initially describes as a general feeling of anxiety when not working and difficulty forming social connections beyond a single close friend. The conversation quickly uncovers a pattern of losing friends and a profound sense of loneliness, which Yuna often masks with laughter or by attributing external reasons to others' departures.\n\nThe core of Yuna's struggles is traced back to a traumatic childhood in South Korea. Born close to the Lunar New Year, she was sent to school early, making her younger and smaller than her peers. Unable to keep up academically, she was subjected to public shaming and physical punishment (being hit with a wooden stick) by teachers, and subsequently bullied by other children. This experience instilled a deep-seated belief that she was \"not good enough\" or \"stupid,\" and that her worth was entirely tied to her performance. Her parents, informed by teachers of her academic struggles, further reinforced this by steering her towards art, implying she was "too dumb to get a real job."\n\nDr. K skillfully connects these early experiences to her current workaholism and social anxiety. Yuna confirms that working makes her feel "safer" and that the anxiety she feels when not working is qualitatively similar to the fear she experienced as a child anticipating public punishment. Her work ethic, therefore, functions as a powerful coping mechanism to avoid the feeling of worthlessness and the fear of failure. The pattern of having only one close friend at a time is also explored, suggesting it's not coincidental but a result of her feeling "full" once one connection is made, or her workaholic tendencies preventing the cultivation of more relationships.\n\nA significant therapeutic insight emerges around Yuna's self-judgment. She expresses annoyance at crying, labeling herself "sensitive," which Dr. K identifies as a continuation of the self-punishment she experienced as a child. He introduces the paradoxical concept of accepting even the judgment itself, explaining that true acceptance means not judging oneself for judging. This highlights the pervasive nature of internalized criticism and the challenge of breaking free from a cycle where the attempt to improve oneself often becomes another form of self-judgment, preventing genuine self-compassion and healing.

I feel guilty about um hanging out with friends and that's probably why I don't have any friends.

My childhood was really bad like what do you mean by that I was so when I was in elementary school um so I was born uh unlucky kind of in Korea...

...the teachers would like bring us up and hit us with like a wooden stick um in front of like all the kids...

I think I just thought that everything that I was doing was just wrong so like at that time do you ever feel that way now that sometimes your mind just kind of feels like everything you're doing is wrong um uh in some ways yeah in some ways yeah

I laugh when I laugh I laugh when I feel sad sometimes it's like it's like my go-to um yeah I laugh when I'm awkward I laugh when I'm sad um sometimes I laugh when I'm pissed off I it's like my go-to um it's very protective isn't it stay yeah

I can see that you can survive with just one close friend yeah and at the same time I think it's really sad when people can grow accustomed to being okay with the bare minimum of what they really deserve in life.

I think the reason you're a workaholic is because that's the way that your body has learned how to avoid going up in front of the classroom and getting smacked with a stick.

I think that it's true but I also feel like I'm a workaholic because I feel like all my worth is tied to my work for some reason.

So remember when I said acceptance is not just saying it's okay to cry it's also accepting what um accepting that you judge yourself for crying yeah yeah right so I think you're doing the same thing here where you're not you're judging you're punishing yourself for whatever the reaction is it doesn't it sort of doesn't matter yeah

as long as there's any kind of judgment towards yourself it'll like it'll it's never gonna work it's actually the same thing that has put on a mask but it's the same lack of acceptance and judgment towards yourself for not being good good enough