The Position of the Adored: Navigating the Balance of Attraction in Romantic Relationships

This episode, a continuation of a previous discussion on the balance of attraction, delves into "the position of the adored" within romantic relationships, specifically identifying this role as the partner who experiences less intense liking for the other. It challenges the common negative perception of the adored, arguing that both the adored and adorer positions are value-neutral and mutually constitutive. The dynamic is likened to giving and taking, where the adored's lesser emotional investment creates an opportunity for the adorer to express more affection, a dynamic that some individuals genuinely prefer and find comfortable.

The podcast outlines distinct advantages for those in the adored position. They typically experience a more emotionally stable existence, avoiding the intense highs and lows often characteristic of the adorer. This makes the role particularly suitable for individuals who prefer not to be overly governed by their emotions or those whose primary focus lies outside romantic relationships, such as career-driven individuals. Such individuals can appreciate their partner without the emotional preoccupation, fostering a greater sense of internal freedom within the relationship, allowing them to pursue other life goals without constant emotional distraction.

However, the position of the adored is not without its drawbacks. It can lead to feelings of boredom or a sense of "missing out" on the intense experience of being deeply "in love," as they are loved by, rather than intensely loving, their partner. Furthermore, being placed on a pedestal can create a disorienting "unreality" due to the discrepancy between the partner's idealized perception and one's own self-knowledge. Unless one possesses narcissistic grandiosity, this gap can make the adored feel like they are not truly seen or understood, leading to a sense of inauthenticity within the relationship.

The episode emphasizes the critical role of self-knowledge and experience in navigating these complex dynamics. Individuals must determine their preferred balance of attraction and their ideal "gap" in subjective affection. While some seek near-equal attraction, others are comfortable with significant disparities. A crucial practical insight offered is the warning that the very qualities initially attractive in a person can often become sources of frustration later on, underscoring the need for thoughtful consideration and self-awareness in choosing and maintaining a relationship dynamic.

"the position of the adored which in romantic relationships is the one who likes the other less"

"the adored often get a bad rap"

"the two positions create each other liking the other less creates the opportunity for the adorer to like the other more"

"the adored get to be loved by the ones they're with"

"they don't experience the same highs and lows as the adorers which makes this position a better fit for those who prefer not to live as much in their emotions"

"being in the position of the adored can be somewhat boring these folks generally don't experience the feeling of being in love as intensely"

"it can also feel strange to be put on a pedestal because of the gap between the other's perception of you and your own self-knowledge"

"unless you're narcissistically grandiose you're kinda aware of your shortcomings which means that you're gonna kind of feel like you're participating in unreality when someone loves you more than you love yourself"

"figuring out which position feels better for you and determining your ideal gap in subjective attraction requires experience and accurate self-knowledge"

"it's often the case that the very things that attract you to a person at the beginning are the same things that drive you crazy in the end"