The Genesis and Impact of Unacceptability: From Childhood Wounds to Purposeful Filtering

This podcast episode delves into the deep-seated feeling of unacceptability experienced by the guest, Bobby Scar, and its profound impact on his life and interactions. Bobby articulates a core belief that while he accepts others as they are, he himself is fundamentally unacceptable, a conviction he traces back to early childhood experiences. This belief manifests as a constant, low-level panic and an incessant "trying" to control how others perceive him, primarily by meticulously filtering his self-presentation. He describes operating in two distinct modes: one characterized by hurt, anger, and shame, and another more confident state that doesn't even comprehend the former's struggles.

The discussion uncovers the childhood origins of this unacceptability complex. Bobby recounts memories from as young as four or five, feeling misunderstood by adults when discussing his interests, leading to a sense of being "weird." A pivotal memory involves a stolen laser pen incident with an older friend, where Bobby felt responsible for the friendship's demise because he didn't conceal the theft, internalizing the blame. These early experiences fostered a belief that his very presence was offensive and that any hope of being accepted was often proven false, leading to self-blame and a feeling of being an "idiot" for ever hoping.

The host introduces the concept of a "some scar," a psychological mechanism that, when activated, returns the mind to the age at which the original wound was formed, causing a collapse of internal structure and a feeling of being disembodied. This mechanism drives Bobby's filtering behavior, where he pre-determines others' negative judgments and relies on objective evidence and logic to present his ideas at work, believing his true self would taint them. He admits to not letting people form a genuine judgment, having already decided on their behalf that his "real me" is "not good enough" to be shown.

Paradoxically, Bobby's deep understanding of unacceptability, born from his personal suffering (karma), fuels his sense of duty (dharma) to create products that tend to the needs of others who share similar struggles, particularly in his work at Twitch. He rationalizes his success by attributing it to this empathetic connection rather than his inherent worth. The host challenges this self-perception, arguing that Bobby's successful career, marriage, and friendships indicate a genuine acceptance from others, suggesting that human beings are adept at judging character and would not tolerate his self-described abrasiveness without seeing something deeply acceptable within him. Bobby ultimately agrees that his rationalization of "safe people" accepting him "anyway" is an accurate observation, highlighting the ongoing internal conflict between his perceived unacceptability and his lived experience of being valued.

"I feel that what I uncovered is this sense so I wrote it down on this little white board but so like I decided long ago that kind of the world and other people are acceptable as they are like I don't really resist what what is the external world's telling me and then like but because people react negatively to me all the time or I felt that they did as a kid that I am unacceptable."

"I also noticed that the trying comes with a sense of panic."

"I guess the outcome that I'm afraid of simply is that people are not gonna see the real me."

"I am in a sense trying to control the reaction but from my own locus of control absolutely absolutely my presentation."

"I feel I've already made that decision on their behalf actually one of the things I noticed with the trying as I was you know in the past week is that for example if at work I want to get something you know I think that something's really important is the right thing to do I will immediately go to a line of reasoning that's basically like I know that you shouldn't agree with this idea just because I'm saying it I'm so untrustworthy so don't look at me look at the evidence in the document that was produced and like the track record like look at the objective stuff because if you look at me I know that you're gonna conclude that I'm bad and wrong."

"I don't think the real me is worth showing it's like I I think maybe what feels more correct is that I've already looked and I know it's not good enough kind of thing."

"because if you believe that you are unacceptable then you can't then other if other people then you have to filter because if they see what's unacceptable it's gonna be a no brainer they're going to reject you."

"when a some scar activates it returns your mind to the age at which it was formed."

"your karma even your hurt and your suffering yeah set you up to do your duty or responsibility you made you the person that you are and without those experiences you would not be able to have hurt and suffering at the forefront of creating products."

"I have this sense that the you know I'm not acceptable the people who accept me anyway those are the safe people the people who don't those are the unsafe people that's kind of how I've rationalized it there's some people who can eat who can accept someone even like me."