The Dating Crisis as a Social Natural Selection Event in the Post-COVID Era

The episode addresses the widespread dating crisis, loneliness, and mental health decline, highlighting a stark disconnect between those who find dating easy and those who find it impossible. It critiques the internet's role in fostering conflicting opinions and a sense of being "stuck" for many, particularly men, post-college. The discussion begins by examining various social media posts that illustrate the frustration, perceived difficulty in approaching women, and the impact of HR policies and online-only interactions on social life, contrasting these views with those who advocate for simply "putting yourself out there."

Dr. K introduces the concept of natural selection to explain this divergence, drawing an analogy to Darwin's finches. He posits that the post-COVID world has created a new social environment where certain individuals are "naturally selected" to succeed in dating and relationships, while others, not adapted to these new conditions, struggle or are "dying out" in a reproductive sense. This "mass extinction event" manifests as declining birth rates and a profound existential dread in those who feel unable to procreate or form connections. He suggests that his own past self, an anxious introvert, would have been an "incel" in today's environment, whereas the pre-COVID world "forced" social interaction and exposure therapy, leading to adaptation.

The podcast delves into specific scientific changes in the post-COVID world. Firstly, there's a significant decline in adolescent risk behaviors, driven by the disappearance of "unstructured face-to-face time" with friends, leading to increased risk aversion. This makes the inherently risky act of approaching someone much harder. Secondly, studies show a decline in relationship satisfaction, love, intimacy, and passion post-lockdown, suggesting relationships are harder to maintain, and a "meh" relationship is often abandoned rather than fixed due to the perceived abundance of alternatives on dating apps. Thirdly, there's a decline in casual sex and an increase in virginity, attributed to factors like increased computer gaming and 50% of young adults co-residing with parents, which limits private spaces for intimacy.

Finally, the episode highlights the increased social risk of approaching someone, citing a non-peer-reviewed poll suggesting a 20% chance of being reported to authorities for men approaching women. This, combined with a societal shift towards "guilty when accused" and severe reputational damage, further exacerbates risk aversion. Dr. K emphasizes that the goal is not to judge these changes as good or bad, but to understand them. He offers practical advice to navigate this new landscape: practicing "affiliative signals" and eye contact to build empathic connections before verbal interaction, and seeking safe environments for social engagement, thereby mimicking the organic relationship-building that unstructured face-to-face time once provided.

Dating is different. Socializing is different. Standards are different.

It's almost as if the advice that one group of people gives literally doesn't translate over into this other group of people.

What we're really seeing here and now play out in front of our eyes is natural selection. Adapt or die.

Fittest really means in Darwin's words, people who have in this case finches who are well suited fit their environment.

Is there some kind of genetic existential dread that you can subjectively experience?

If you don't try really hard, there is there you can absolutely live a life where you do not encounter men or women.

Unstructured face-to-face time is absolutely gone.

For both dating and married participants, scores on relationship satisfaction, love, intimacy, and passion were significantly lower postlockdown compared with the pre-lockdown period.

This doesn't mean that there are some people who are losers and some people who are winners. What we're seeing is people who are very confused...

there is a one in5 chance that if you're a dude who approaches a girl that you will get reported to an authority of some kind.